A two-week impact assessment
Two weeks ago, something unprecedented happened.
The Golden Gods of the Seven Moons stopped responding.
Not metaphorically.
Not spiritually.
Actually.
No confirmations.
No impressions.
No quiet reassurances during moments of doubt.
Faith lines went unanswered.
Prayer queues backed up.
Silence persisted.
After fourteen full days with no confirmed divine contact, the Holy Influencers authorised an Impact Assessment to determine the effects of the Golden Gods’ absence on the universe.
The findings are now in.
Scope of the Incident
- Duration: 14 days
- Status: Ongoing
- Cause: Unknown
- Communication channels affected:
- Prayer
- Faith
- Inner conviction
- Vague feelings during worship music
The Golden Gods are currently classified as “Temporarily Unreachable”.
Followers are advised not to panic.
Summary of Findings
After careful review, investigators have confirmed the following:
1. Accidents continued at expected levels
Car crashes occurred at statistically normal rates.
- Some people survived
- Some did not
- Outcomes aligned closely with physics, speed, and seatbelt usage
No measurable divine fluctuation detected.
2. Cancer diagnoses remained unchanged
New cancer cases appeared at the same rate as before.
- Some prayers were offered
- Some people recovered
- Some did not
Recovery rates continued to correlate with:
- Early detection
- Treatment quality
- Biology
No deviation observed.
3. Earthquakes did not consult the outage schedule
Earthquakes occurred:
- In tectonically active regions
- At expected magnitudes
- With no apparent awareness of divine availability
No earthquakes paused out of respect.
4. Natural disasters showed no signs of hesitation
Floods, storms, fires, and droughts proceeded as normal.
- No disasters stopped mid-event
- No hurricanes re-routed
- No fires politely extinguished themselves
Nature appeared unaware that anyone was missing.
5. The lottery continued to behave suspiciously normally
Lottery draws occurred as scheduled.
- Winners were selected
- Losers outnumbered them dramatically
- Prayers to “just let this one win” remained ineffective
Winnings continued to correlate with:
- Ticket purchase
- Probability
- Bad financial decisions
6. Lost car keys were both found and not found
Some people prayed and found their keys.
Others prayed and did not.
Keys were eventually located:
- In pockets
- On tables
- In bags
- Where they were left
No divine fingerprints detected.
7. Medical staff did not notice a change
Doctors, nurses, and emergency responders reported:
- No drop in patient outcomes
- No increase in miracles
- No sudden lack of “guidance”
Skill, training, and resources continued to be the deciding factors.
8. War did not pause
Conflicts continued.
- Bombs fell
- Civilians suffered
- Leaders invoked the Golden Gods on both sides
The Golden Gods did not clarify which side they were on.
As usual.
9. Babies were still born
Births continued at normal rates.
- Some healthy
- Some not
- Some into safety
- Some into hardship
No evidence of divine scheduling adjustments.
10. Morality did not collapse
Despite fears, the following did not occur:
- Mass chaos
- Widespread murder
- Sudden atheistic rampage
- People eating one another in the streets
Most people continued behaving roughly as they did before.
Interim Conclusion
After two weeks without confirmed access to the Golden Gods of the Seven Moons:
- The universe continues to function
- Cause and effect remain intact
- Probability remains cruel but consistent
- Suffering remains evenly indifferent
No measurable change has been detected.
Official Response from the Holy Influencers
In a televised address, senior Holy Influencers reassured followers:
“The Golden Gods are not absent.
They are merely testing us.
Or teaching us patience.
Or working in ways we cannot understand.”
Donations were encouraged during this difficult time.
Broadcast equipment upgrades were mentioned.
Clarifications Issued
To address growing concern, the following points were clarified:
- Silence does not mean absence
- Absence does not mean non-existence
- Non-existence would be unthinkable
- Thinking about it too much is discouraged
The Golden Gods remain fully in control.
Despite being unreachable.
Contingency Planning
If the Golden Gods remain missing beyond four weeks, the following steps may be considered:
- Increased worship frequency
- Louder prayers
- Longer sermons
- Larger donations
Failure to restore contact will not be interpreted as failure of the system.
Final Assessment
After fourteen days without divine intervention:
- Things happened exactly as they usually do
- For the same reasons
- With the same outcomes
- Explained by the same mechanisms
The only noticeable change has been the silence.
Which, we are assured, is meaningful.
Closing Note
If the absence of the Golden Gods changes nothing…
If their silence alters no outcomes…
If life proceeds exactly as before…
Then this outage may raise an uncomfortable question.
Not about where the Golden Gods have gone.
But about where they were to begin with.